What It Will Look Like

This is not written to seek, but to create awareness, for when it crosses my path. It’s idealistic, but I feel that is a good place to start. Being a living, evolving document, it is subject to change.

He is passionate, intelligent, and wise. We recognize the strengths of one another, and can see that doing so does not threaten our own. There is sharing, consideration each other’s experience, information, advice, and insight. Curiosity and creativity are encouraged in one another, not just in the tangible realm, but the imaginative. We both seek to grow in our knowledge and understanding. Together and apart we strive to better ourselves, inform ourselves, understand ourselves, and the life we inhabit.

He is funny, at least to me. He thinks I am humorous and clever, in my own “dark”, wry wit, smart ass way. We “get” one another. We laugh. He makes me laugh more than he makes me cry.

And when I cry, he stays. Even if I have to walk away to process, he gives me the space I need, but lets me know he’ll be there when I’m ready. I can sob into his chest (I find comfort in the way he smells) he’s not worried about the snot, and he strokes my hair and holds me tight, even and especially, when it’s him I’m upset with. (Besides, how can we have fight/make up sex if he’s gone?)

When we don’t understand one another, we work together so we do. We talkdebate, even argue at times, about everything. We challenge each other, and our views and thoughts, exploring not just what we think, but why. We feel the other is heard, that neither of us shut out the voice of the other. We allow each other to feel and express our feelings/emotions, without fear of reprisal or judgment. We’re allowed to call “bullshit!”, and we work on when to do so, and when to let it go.

We both realize actions speak louder than words. I know I must work on voicing myself; however we understand the importance in body language (because I know I use a lot of it), and acts.

He loves that I am strong, resilient, tenacious, independent… and a down right ornery, pain in the ass at times. (If I know my tastes, so is he). But he also sees (and I show him) that sometimes, I am vulnerable, nervous, insecure, and fragile. He can not only withstand my intensity, but engage in and with it.

We love all kinds of music. We listen to music.  I sing. Even if it’s off key or can’t recall the words. Sometimes, we see musicians live, and enjoy the experience together. We encourage any musical talents of the other, and the pleasures of music. Not for show, but for the love of music.

We dance, even if it’s just in the driveway, living room, or kitchen, and sometimes, when there is no “music” to be heard. We do these things not to show off for anyone else, but because it’s an expression of love and togetherness.

We like children. If we do not have kids, I/we do not feel shame or guilt. We have them in our lives (friends, family, etc.), and find joy in the time we have them.

Family is important to both of us (be it by blood or by choice). He accepts my family (nuts and all), and welcomes me into his. He wants to be a part of and attend my family functions, and invites me to his. Traditions, religious or otherwise, are respected.

We love dogs, and probably have (at least) one. Maybe a cat. He is at least accepting that I love animals, of all kinds, even if he does not share my enthusiasm.

We love to go on drives and walks, though a destination is not always important, or even necessary. He holds my hand, or places his on my knee. We share a sense of adventure, and want to experience and explore life and the world around us. We travel and seek. (I love the beach and water best, and he knows this). I don’t believe in “lost”, so it’s better if he has a sense of direction, for when we really ARE. Upside, I am able to read a map, and if he can lead north, I can be navigator. When one of us says “I just need to get away”, we don’t just offer a list of reasons why not. We make an effort to meet that need, whether we need it together or alone.

He kisses me often. Every day (feasibly). The pleasure of simply kissing is not lost, no matter how long we’ve been together. It’s a sign and sharing of connection, expression of passion, that can not be replaced by any other action or words.

He reads to me. He doesn’t just “share” an article and say “read this”, but reads aloud to me. And sometimes, (especially if I am not feeling well or cannot sleep) he reads me stories. I love and adore him, so no matter what he reads, I take pleasure and comfort in hearing his voice.

We share a love of food and drink, be it a simple grilled cheese or a fancy 5 star dish. We cook for one another, and at times, together. Neither of us are to persnickety, but do want to do the best we can with what we can. Maybe he cringes at the thought of me eating organ meats, bugs, or other “unusual” things (don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!) but laughs if I do. He trusts me if I say “it’s good, try it, you’ll like it” and vice versa. We know the other enough to feed each other. As often as possible, we sit at the table when we eat (especially if one of us has prepared the meal), so as to focus on the meal we share. There is appreciation of a “good” beer or wine, and maybe even make our own. These things enhance our life as we are experiencing the nourishment of food, body and soul, and are not simply ingesting it. Indulgences are just that, not passions that overshadow.  He lets me “steal” his french fries.

In the morning and at night, we receive a good morning/good night text (good), phone call (better), or kiss(best), not of requirement, but desire. Maybe we cannot be together, but we express our love and care daily, even the “bad” ones, ensuring we let the other know: “you are on my mind and in my heart”.

Our time together is relaxed, natural. I can breathe, as I don’t feel I am “putting on”. We take time to focus on one another, without the distraction of lit screens in our faces (aka, put the damn phone down, and look at me! Talk to me!) We live in a fast paced crazy world, so we try to slow down, if only for the moment, together. We feel like we are “home” again..

We allow freedom and autonomy. He is protective, not possessive. He understands and accepts my more inverted, masochistic nature. We enjoy the silences in life. We can share in a “separate togetherness”.

We live happily, modestly. We are more focused on the things we need, not the next big screen, new car, fancy toy, shiny thing, whatever that may be. It’s not that there is no value in things, but appreciate what we have. We respect what is well crafted, well designed, and have pride in ownership, but the value of “things” never trumps the value of the real pleasures in life.

We have no illusions that things will be easy. They won’t be all the time (though it should not seem hard all the time either). “Life is pain” (The Princess Bride), we both understand and accept this. But we will weather the storms, together. When life gets hard, we seek shelter in one another. When things are hard between us, we are dedicated enough to stay, to work, to grow, and come out stronger than before.

Most importantly: we are partners, not that we are “equal”, but that we balance one another, yin and yang, complementing one another. We are peers, have synergy, and can just “be”, and be ourselves. We do the best to be “fair” to one another. Neither of us is expected to always carry the brunt of the load. Life is not equal, life is not fair, but we try. We make the other shine. We show one another gratitude.


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